> Did we choose the age at which we would have children? What does it mean to choose?

we planned to have a kid by our early thirties. she specifically wanted one by 30. we were both healthy, financially stable with solid careers.

then came multiple miscarriages, 10 years of background/foreground stress, and IVF. now we finally have two healthy ones. i think daily about those 10 years we've lost to spend with our kids while still younger and able to do activities that i still enjoy like snowboarding, mountain biking, etc. thankfully i'll still be able to do some of it, but man, it has been rough. my awesome father-in-law died of cancer 9mo before his grandson's birth; the only thing he ever knew were our ongoing struggles :(

something else that happens is that all your same-aged friends with kids...they have different lives now. you can't talk to them about the same child struggles / tips in real time, the kids don't go to school together or know the same people; they're a generation apart. it becomes an isolating event when the delay is long enough.

despite all that, when i think of where i was financially then and now (and what i did in those 10 years to get from there to here that would not have happened otherwise), and that if i had a kid 10 years ago it would be a different [probably worse] kid instead of the adorable 2.5yo that runs to me each morning now, i feel a lot better.

my advice would not necessarily be to start earlier, but if you've decided to procreate and are consciously deferring it until the "right" time, just expect the really, really unexpected.

While I understand and empathize with what this article is getting at ("If you intend to have children, but you don’t intend to have them just yet, you are not banking extra years as a person who is still too young to have children. You are subtracting years from the time you will share the world with your children."), I strongly disagree. I think people should have kids when they are ready. Make an assessment to the best of their ability when exactly that time has arrived. Then, don't dwell on it further. Especially don't blog about it. There are no counterfactuals, this kind of reflection can only serve to make us miserable.

I feel we should have children as early as possible between 18 and 30, but we should also stay together with our parents. Grandparents can raise their grandchildren. They would do a better job. The problem is now everyone wants to go on their own, separate from the community, then call modern life difficult.

> That entire group of middle-aged people, who made up the adult world when my father was a child, is gone.

That really got me. How can I bring these people, this "adult world" forward in time as a gift to my children?

This essay was in part an inspiration for my (much more upbeat) essay which was on here yesterday https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=46452763, and I linked it at the end, but I thought it deserved a submission on its own.

I was born with a heart defect that will kill me young. I spent my youth waking up from surgeries until I became disappointed I'd woken up. This author is still just a tourist of death going through what I view as an early developmental stage of death realization and their view is effectively just myopic shaming because they had their first realization.

My parents died before I turned 20 and 28.

Death is horrible and loss is horrible but each person gets to pick their meaning generation, that's what makes humans fucking cool.

We are like a random forest of meaning generation, an epicenter of complex meaning creation, the plurality and uniqueness of paths is critical, and each of us gets to decide what our meaning exploration/creation will entail, and no one can rationally shame us for that.

We are all very special. Each and every person. We are the unique meaning generators of the universe, like stars emit photons we emit complex meaning, there is no entity we have observed that has explained to the universe the how and why of bird flight, we generated the how and why of that, we are meaning generating organs of the universe bootstrapped by simpler meaning in rna and dna and each one of us is rare.

Complex meaning generation, storage and emission is still in it's infancy from our empirical observations we can't predict how far into the future meaning generation will reach or what it will accomplish, we can't ex ante predict how important we are, no one can tell us we won't be very important to the casual chain of the universe, it simply cannot be computed ahead of time.

As a child I read the book version of A Baker's Dozen, a true story about an efficiency expert with a heart defect that had 12 children and dies at the end while calling his wife.

Each person generates unique meaning in the universe and the one thing we get to do is decide what our unique meaning exploration path is, no person is guaranteed to see any time with their kids, guaranteed to want to have kids, guaranteed to have a kid they enjoy being around. Decide what you intrinsically find meaningful and generate meaning, the random forrest requires the diversity of search/creation paths.

I (male) was very lucky and this made me realise. Had kids lateish (30) but that is due to finding soneone to do that with took that long. Being shy etc. But now I feel in 40s I am too old to have a baby! I glad I didnt wait too long.

Or dont have kids at all which is fine and max on the freedom to do whatever life. I think I agree decide if you want kids then if so have them early as possible but under proviso of a good relationship and no major issues like drugs/alcohol/violence etc.

I have super-bad genetics. Not so bad that I have an entirely terrible life, but bad enough that I wouldn't wish them on a child. I know they would hate me, since I am aware of how bad my genetics are.

People who have children think having children is the right choice, generally. They have to, to find meaning in all of the work of having and raising a child. That's understandable. But it is by no means the right choice for everyone.

I had a lousy childhood -- not just because of my genetics. There's no license, no mandatory training for having a child. You can just have one. Many parents are not qualified, by any measure. This keeps therapists well-employed.

Only have a child if you would like to be that child. Only have a child if you feel competent, and able, and certain that when they are an adult they will not resent you -- yes, it's natural to have some resentment for your parents, but this is not the sort of resentment I am talking about.

Do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES have a child if you're just looking for 'legacy'. Write a book. Give to charity. But this is a terrible reason to have a child! Don't.

> But this idea of certainty is a sham, a distraction, something to turn your attention away from the only truly certain thing, which is that your time will run out.

I hard disagree with this entire blog post. What an incredibly depressing, judgmental, and self-centered way to live life. It doesn't matter when you do things as long as you are satisfied with the results.

You should focus more on deeply appreciating all possible results life has to offer than making any particular decision. This is how you find certainty. You must have imagination and see how things would change even if, for better or worse, most of those things never come true. As a matter of fact, none of them will except for the ones you choose. You must always be visualizing what comes next, or else of course you'd be lost and scared. Everything single second of your life is compromises before you even realize you're making them, and there are no right answers. If you can't handle that, you'll never feel happy.

Being a parent gets harder the older you are, not just becoming a parent which is where the focus tends to be. Yes you have fewer financial resources and less life experience, but if you want kids the best time is as soon as you can. Kids don't care about how rich you are (so long as needs are met - those concerns come later and enough will never be enough for a teenager) and they don't know that we're all making it up as you go along. Have kids at 25 means that by your early 40s you are pretty much free again but parented in times of good health.

Doing the school run now and seeing parents pushing 50 with primary school aged children makes me sad for them and their kids when I see how physically shattered they look through the fatigue and stress.

> You are subtracting years from the time you will share the world with your children.

Love the thought. But for me I wasn't able to commit to wanting to have children because I had to learn so much about dating and what I think I deserve and what I want. I just went with the "cool uncle" (which often times hides the "I think I don't deserve love and thus sabotage myself") narrative the last decade or so and had to have the bad experiences I've had 2025 to come to the conclusion that I want a wife and kids. Sometimes your life task dictates how it goes for you and a little less grip on this journey seems beneficial to me.

This article came at a perfect time for me and I will go full steam ahead to find someone to make kids with o7

For those wishing to delay the inevitable... "Large observational prospective epidemiological studies with adequate control of confounding and two large randomized trials support the benefits of the Mediterranean dietary pattern to increase life expectancy, reduce the risk of major chronic disease, and improve quality of life and well-being." https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5902736/

(2018)

Some previous discussion:

2022 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31121453

I like the text. A few additions: not everyone has to have children. Not all of us have the opportunity to do so. It is possible to live a fulfilling life even if you have not brought children into the world. If you do not have children and it is foreseeable that you will not have any, do not let anyone convince you that you are doomed to a marginal existence. A child does not only need parents. It also needs other adults: uncles, aunts, neighbors, teachers, etc. Children need a healthy society, and everyone who contributes to this is contributing to the well-being of children. For my taste, the text also lacks a political component. Parenting is not just a personal project. It is also a service to society. The parents of a child are raising a person who will participate productively in the economy of the future. It annoys me that this is treated as a free side effect. When you realize this connection, parenthood as an imperative for personal fulfillment takes on a strong ideological connotation. The fact that so many people remain childless today is a failure at the societal level and should not be compensated for by appeals at the individual level.

A baby born this year will have their 74th birthday in 2100.

Although with the climate the way it is, it'll get progressively harder to reach old age.

it’s never the right time, not everyone deserves to have kids, and not every kid deserves the parents they got, still, it has to be part of the meaning of life, to see something that is your blood, discover, play, become a responsible adult and one day hopefully decided that it is worth to also have children of their own

happy 2026

Speak for yourself, I plan to live forever

Very interesting article! Really like when people use fonts with serifs. I noticed the usage of accent aigu instead of apostrophes, was that on purpose? An accent isn‘t an apostrophe, it takes up more space horizontally. Much more obvious in this font.

I can only pray that there is a special heaven where sociopaths go, that is also populated with all the nialists and narcists, together at last, all there dreams writ large.